Death

I was on the train home yesterday when I got a call from my sister in Ohio that our Dad had died. I don't know what to think right now because I'm totally numb and it hasn't sunk in yet. I have cried a few times today about it but it truly hasn't sunk in that I won't be able to pick the phone up and call him. What's making it worse is right now my brother is using his phone because he drowned his phone. (no offense Bro) So I can still call my dad's number but my brother is on the other end. I love my brother but it's not the same as calling my Dad. I'm going to miss him so much when all this sinks in. He always had this way of making me laugh when I didn't really want to. It was a challenge at times though to hear what he had to say as the connection wasn't always that great.

I know in my heart he is at peace and he won't hurt anymore. He had stage 4 lung cancer so now he doesn't have to worry about that. In the end the Chemo had given him Congested heart failure. That was a side effect of the type of Chemo that he was given. Who figures that something that's supposed to heal you will kill you. Now I know it probably wasn't the Chemo that killed him but it didn't help.

I talked to my oldest sister today. She had already set up for compassionate family leave where she works and had tickets to fly back to Texas on Sunday. She is still going although now it's to take care of my Dads last wishes instead of our Dad. I haven't talked to this sister since last year around this time. Not by choice mind you, I just didn't have her number and didn't do much to find out what it was. My number has changed so many times in the past few years that she wasn't current with mine. In my defense I have had the same number for the past 2 years but she didn't have it. Also the number isn't under my name so it's hard to find me in the phone book.

I talked to my brother and he told me when he called my cousins up in Waco they said there was a big thunder storm going on at that time. That would be my Dad making an entrance into Heaven. He always said he'd make a big splash when he went there. And I truly feel that's where he went. He was a good man and deserved to go there.

One of the things that my Dad told me over and over (now this may sound gross but it was the way my Dad was) when he died he wanted to be cremated and put in a douche and have another go round. Now if you knew my Dad's sense of humor it would make sense. He was a very funny man without trying. He made me laugh all the time and he NEVER and I mean NEVER wanted anyone to cry for him. Lord knows I will when it finally sinks in fully. I have cried some today but in the next few days I fully expect to do a lot more.

I have been sitting here all day thinking of a way to let my boys know that their Grandfather has passed. I'm not sure how to do it but by (like ripping of a band-aid) straight out. I'm not sure how they will take it. The younger on only met him for a very short period of time when he was out her for one of my nieces marrige and I think that the older one actually got to spend a little more time with him. I was always telling them that when they both graduated from High School I was going to move with them to be near my Dad. I had big plans for that. Now I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing in 5 or 6 years or where I'll be living. I'm still thinking of moving to Texas just to be near my family on my Dad's side. I don't know them at all and would love to meet them and learn more about that side of the family.

So that brings me back to my Dad's death. It was quick and the way he wanted. He went at home in his bed. Of course the EMT's had to try to bring him back because he didn't have a home DNR but when he got to the hospital my brother let him know that it was fine for him to go and he went in peace without a lot of stuff being done to him. It just hard to think that he is gone.

It will take me a few days to process all that has happened in the last 24 hours but when I do I'm not going to let it depress me. I have to go on with my life and live for my children. I know in my heart that Dad is happy and at peace.